The last I love you and goodnight
by Linneagb
Summary: Rose Nichol passes away after a very long battle with cancer. For her last night in a hospital bed her two daughters are on either side of her. Just like it used to be when they were little. Alternative title "The longest night"


**Hi everyone. And welcome to my newest oneshot. Death is a thing I've met in my life before when my grandma and grandpa died and then some of these like- you know someone who know someone who knows them… Or it was someone at school or… Well. You get it.**

 **I was only eleven and twelve the last time someone close to me died. And now… now another person who is close to me is… I don't want to call it dying but… I guess there's not really another way to say it. Anyway, writing has always been a way for me to go through things that are both good and bad and then I thought of this… And whether my uncle dies tonight, tomorrow, next week or so on. I think this could at least help me just a little.**

 **Update as of 8** **th** **December: My uncle died December the first. The day after I put this story up. Rest in peace.**

 **It's told from Kirsten's point of view.**

Mum had fought for so long. All until today, one cold December day when Christmas stars hung in every window and every radio channel was playing Christmas songs only. The whole world outside seemed happy and colorful. While the hospital room in which I and my sister sat by our mum's bed seemed white and grey and boring.

She had been drifting in and out of consciousness since she arrived at the palliative ward two weeks ago. I and Hailey had been coming and going every once in a while. I had been here earlier today but Hailey had just come around.

"I just had a feeling something was about to change."

Just as she'd said it mum drew one deep breath before she smiled up at us.

"My two beautiful girls on either side of my bed. What gives me the honor?"

It was the first she had spoken since she came here. We had thought that her life would have ended the moment she came here. But forty eight hours meant a lot during this part, and they had passed.

I couldn't find the right words to speak to her. That we both sat by her bedside on and off because we didn't want her to be alone at her last moment…

"Don't worry you two." Mum reassured us as if she'd read mine, and probably Hailey's mind too. "I know. You don't have to tell me. But… there's something that I have to tell you about. This morning, when you were both away. I signed some papers…"

My heart had started beating hard at the moment she had said she needed to tell us something, and it beat harder and harder for each word she said.

"What…" Hailey stuttered a bit and I could see panic shining from her eyes. "What papers?"

With her blue eyes mum turned to Hailey with a kind but weak and distressed look. My heart was beating so hard I could feel the blood streaming in my ears but didn't dare saying anything.

"Papers that mean. That if my heart stops beating… I don't want the doctors to try and start it again. And I don't want to be put on any life support. And I especially do not want to be intubated again- Gosh. That thing was awful."

I bit my lip not knowing what to say. Mum looked as calm as ever but still distressed, more for my sister than herself I'd guess.

"We were just trying to keep you alive…"

"I know that. And I'm grateful for every little moment… But I'm finished now. And when I die I want it to be pain free and peacefully… And I don't think I'll get many more chances to do just that. You two are just as damn stubborn as your father but sorry- I have made up my mind about how I want to die."

Mum silent and drew for a breath. And if I hadn't already known that this was a moment I needed to listen to her that one breath, wheezing and heavy sounding. Would have been enough.

I and my sister weren't alike though.

"But mum…" She tried. "You can't… I can't… you can't just give up."

"I'm not giving up." Mum tried to assure my sister. "I'm realizing that there's no way of getting away. And I'll be greeting death like an old friend rather than trying to fight it… someone once told me that's the bravest decision to make in life… and the most important."

"But… but… Kiki? Say something."

I had to think only for a split second to think about what when Hailey called out for me to say something.

"I will stand by mum on this one. I don't want you to die mum but… I don't want you to be in pain neither. And if this is what you want… then it's too what I want."

Hailey didn't answer. And however this went on I knew she'd never forgive me.

"I don't want to spend all my life in hospital. And it's only here I can get enough painkillers to not be delirious in pain. And still everything hurts… I'm grateful for every single moment. But I… I don't want anything to get any worse than it already has been… I want to die… I don't want to leave you. For you I would take a million more years… But I can't… I want to die and that's why I'm making these choices… And all I want is for you to make them with me."

I could hear in the way mum's voice sounded that it didn't matter what on earth I or Hailey said. She had made up her mind and that was it. I hesitated for a second and didn't dare raise my voice in fear it would break, then nodded slightly and gave mum a faked smile.

She had given up so much through our whole lives to give us the best lives possible. It was time for us to do one of the few things she had ever asked for us to do.

But how was I supposed to let Hailey understand that without sounding mean?

"I don't want you to be in pain…"

Maybe I didn't have to. Hailey's voice sounded more broken than I had ever heard it before. But it was obviously the closest I and mum would get for Hailey to be able to agree to us.

Almost not knowing about it I could feel my hand gripping tighter in the fabric of my sweater. Even though I couldn't figure anything to say right then the tears started rising in my eyes and annoyed I wiped them away with the other hand.

I couldn't cry now! I would have to wait until I was alone Or at least not with mum and Hailey- she was more sensitive and needed more support than I did.

"Girls." Mum gave a weak smile. "I've lived a good life. I had a husband whom I loved and cared for. And..." Mum reached out weakly and took each of my and Hailey's hands in hers. "I had two very beautiful girls. Whom I am so proud of, words could never tell. I have so much to thank for. And among those are several extra years that cancer treatment was able to provide for me."

"Cancer…" Hailey snorted but I could see all pain in her eyes. "Cancer go kiss my…"

"HEY." Mum interrupted. (Hailey kind of had a point though. Didn't everyone think so.) "Please Hailey. Not right now… For now. Let's focus on all good things there are…" She lifted her head from the pillow as much as she could and looked around the room. "…Like chocolate." She glanced towards a pack of Twix on her bedside table. "How long have that been lying there?"

I didn't answer the question (since she arrived here) but… Well. What could I do?

"Geez Keeks. My favorite chocolate, I can't eat it so you're just going to eat it right in front of me?"

"No." I held it up in front of her. "Come on. Here comes the chew chew train."

In this moment I just couldn't help it when seeing mum smiling at me I felt another, bigger smile form on my lips. Reassuring me that… even if mum wouldn't be here today or tomorrow this might not be the last…

Weakly mum's lips closed around the small chocolate piece while she closed her eyes and drew a deep breath to the well tasting moment, then let go and I pulled the piece back and laid it on the bedside table to have it out of the way.

"The best things in life are the small things." Mum leaned back and looked paler than ever when her head hit the white pillow. "Chocolate, red wine, a warm blanket… sunrises, sunsets… Can you two think of anything?"

"Partying?"

I couldn't help but to shake my head slightly at my sister's idea of having one of the best things in life. Sometimes it was just way too obvious how different we were.

"Nights in with good food. A good movie, with my husband and my son."

"You do get though Kiki." Hailey said with a grumpy look on her face. "Even though you made more out of your life than I did…" She didn't find a continuing of the sentence, but only hung her head so her hair fell over her face. Mum reached out, tenderly stroke away a tress and stroke Hailey's cheek before she laid her hand down on the mattress again, too weak to hold it up.

"None of you have done more or better things than the other. Hailey. You are wild, you're living life, making sure all your dreams come true and everybody knows everything you're feeling…" She drew a deep, shaky breath. "Kiki. You're calmer, a bit more about following rules. But then while you two were in school that was nice for me and your dad. You've settled down and given me my so far only grandchild and…" When her expression saddened I know she was thinking about Amy- the baby I and Sandy had lost before she was born. "I'll be going to see the other one now. You're also kind and have made friends with so many from different kinds of backgrounds. And you're special to me. Because nobody else will ever be my firstborn. While Hailey, you are very special to me because nobody else will ever be my baby… Now come on you two. Get up here, both of you."

Mum gave a pat on each side of her. I and Hailey looked with each batted eyebrow first to her, then to each other and at last to the bed. It was as wide as any hospital bed, but was it big enough to fit three adult people?

"Yes. I said that. And I won't take no for an answer."

It was with quite a squeeze, lying close towards either side of mum and with the railings of the bed put up so none of us were at risk of falling out of the bed- which both I and Hailey would have done if those weren't there. But we did manage and when we finally managed all three of us to get in a somewhat comfortable position. And mum smiled brighter than what I had seen her in I wouldn't know how long.

"I…" Hailey stuttered. "I… I know what this is mum… But I don't want you to go."

"It's just like when you were little." She said once we all had found our place. "One bed and you on either side of me…. And Hailey doesn't want me to go anywhere. While I might or might not, I will never stop thinking about you two. Making sure you're well every second of the day… and night for that matter. And… I'd usually be the first one to fall asleep anyway. I'm guessing this will be… a lot like when you were little. And if I am not wrong then Hailey will be the one trying everything for me not to fall asleep. And neither doing it herself…"

Maybe I could or could not believe that tonight would be the time to talk about these old things…

But with so many things left unsaid…

It was such a blur in my mind I couldn't pick out one single thing. I just knew there were a billion things I now barely had any time left to say.

"I must have done something right to get so lucky huh?" Mum spoke again and got me back from my thoughts. "All of the people there are and have been in this world and I get the two best… Hailey Rose and Kirsten Caleb." I couldn't help the moan that escaped my throat- that stupid name. "Okay you. First of all- Caleb is unisex. And second. You wouldn't change it even if I gave you permission."

"I'm not a child mum. I don't need your permission."

"Well. Like I said- you wouldn't change it!"

I couldn't think of a word to answer her with. I just looked back at her with a meaning look- of course!

"Speaking about Caleb… shouldn't dad be here?"

And Hailey did her usual, old thing with talking so we wouldn't have to fall asleep. She knew the reason dad wasn't her just as well as I and dad did.

"Your father is a very special man…"

"…Or he just hates hospitals. And couldn't even stand being at one for your sake."

"Something like that…" Mum yawned. "But it's okay. I have a lot of memories, both good and bad to choose from. I don't need him here… I'd feel worse if you weren't but you are. And you're everything I need…"

She yawned again- and we all knew time was running out.

"And then another thing from when you were little. I'd try and stay awake because I just wanted to lie like this… but look how well this is going. There are a billion things I would always leave unsaid…" Her eyes were closing. "…Only one thing… I love you two- never doubt that." She yawned again and this time her eyes actually were closing. "Goodnight."

I was meaning to say it back. And I was pretty sure Hailey thought the same, but there was something in my throat keeping me from saying anything while tears were rising in my eyes and dropped down on the white sheets under me.

For a moment the only sounds filling the room were snivels from both me and Hailey and mum's breaths. Then the sounds from the hallway- an alarm going off. Someone moaning, a doctor rushing…

But the silent was ear crushing.

"It's okay." I whispered to my sister at the moment I could force the rest of the tears away and saw she had trouble too keeping her eyes open. "You can sleep. I'll wake you if something happens."

Hailey didn't ask anything, but without moving from where she laid her head sunk down towards the sheets. Lying so close, yet so far away. With only mum's fragile body in between the two of us.

I glanced on the clock, it was barely after ten…

…It wasn't late. But as I watched a second after the other pass by that night. It did turn late, and it did turn in the middle of the night that turned into very early morning.

Time should have gone slower than ever. But it didn't. It moved quicker. And with the only things to watch the clock passing by and the red and gold- colored Christmas star in the window I just wanted to shout at the clock not to tick by so damn quickly.

I didn't sleep that whole night, I couldn't have if I'd tried.

I didn't… But I did hear it when mum's breaths started going rattling. And at the time Hailey sat up drowsily and rubbed her eyes I was off the bed and ran out into the hallway.

"Doctor…" I caught the first person in a white coat outside of the room. "…I think there's something wrong with my mum… her… she just started sounding so weirdly…" I ran back into the room and the doctor came hurrying after me just as Hailey rolled over and fell down from the bed.

"Ow!"

"Get away Hailey and let the doctor do his job."

The doctor, doing his job didn't react to neither me talking nor Hailey falling down nor anything. He checked the hoses and chords that was attached to mum's chest and then checked her vitals at the board the chords led to.

And he didn't tell or show us anything.

Not until he had listened to her chest with his stethoscope he looked up towards us. And his eyes told us everything we needed to know.

"You're going to do something aren't you?" This time Hailey couldn't cover up the panic shining from her every noise and move. "You have to do something… she's…" Hailey couldn't find the words but that raffling sound rising from mum's throat was heard one more time. "DO SOMETHING."

"Mrs. Nichol has already made sure that we all know she doesn't want us to do anything." The doctor told us calmly. "What you're hearing is called Terminal respiratory secretions and is caused by saliva in the throat and upper chest… But it's most commonly known as something else…" The young doctor seemed nervous all of a sudden. "…It's most commonly known as… the death rattle."

"NO." Hailey shouted right in the face of the doctor. "NO. THIS CAN'T BE IT. THIS CAN'T BE IT. MUM." She went over and ripped away all of the hoses and chords so the machine started beeping like wild next to her. "MUM." She started shaking mum's shoulders. "MUM. WAKE UP. YOU'VE GOT TO WAKE UP."

"Hailey…" I took a step forward and tried to calm her down. "I…"

"WAKE HER UP." She turned to the doctor. "YOU HAVE TO WAKE HER UP."

The whole world seemed to stand still. Then the doctor sighed deeply, and slightly shook his head.

"She's got… at the most a few minutes left…" He told us calmly when Hailey was for the moment quiet. "…Some people, especially parents or other family members. They want to hold on for their family members and not for themselves. There are diseases- like cancer, that have taken over their whole bodies. They're basically shutting down… yet they whole down. I'll stay here in the corner. Just pretend I'm not here. I think it's the best if you just… stay calm and tell your mother that you love her and that it's okay to go… stuff like that."

Like he had just said the doctor stayed by the wall silently.

And that was when I realized I hadn't heard a breath from my mum for way too long.

"Mum…" I hurried over to her bed from stopping by the door. "Mum…" Just as I said it mum started breathing again… "Hailey…" We sat back on the chairs we had been on what now felt like a million years ago instead of just a few hours. "I think…" When another rattling breath was heard before another pause I had to make the- until now hardest decision of my life. "I think the doctor's right."

"No…"

Hailey's shouting had gone into a tiny little whimper and I would have preferred the shouting. Then Hailey couldn't say anything more. Even though silent tears kept on streaming down her cheeks.

"It's…" I took mum by the hand again. "It's…"

Those rattling breaths sounded too scary and almost like something out of this world. Even though way too far apart and irregular…

"It's okay mum…" I got out at last while I rubbed her hand with my thumb. "We'll be okay… You've taught us so much. We can never leave that behind and… we'll be okay. Really. We will."

"I…" Hailey got out at last stroking mum's cheek. "I love you mum… And I don't want you to be in pain anymore. Kirsten's right. You've taught us so much and thanks to that we will be okay… So it's okay if you let go now."

And then it was quiet, way too quiet.

Before one, last, clear breath rang through the room… And there, just in the one breath mum changed. As if we could see when her heartbeats, thoughts and personality left her.

Afterwards I would never be able to describe what it looked like. But afterwards I could clearly see that while her body still was, mum wasn't there anymore.

I barely saw the doctor coming up again while both I and Hailey must have let go and leaned back. The hoses and chords had all been ripped off so the doctor took the stethoscope again and a few, very long seconds went by as he listened to mum's chest.

"Time of death. Six, forty seven."

"NOOOOO." Hailey screamed at the top of our lungs and sunk down onto the floor by the doctor's feet. "NO. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. NO. WE CAN'T JUST LET HER DIE. PLEASE NO."

The doctor looked helplessly towards me and mumbled something about sedatives. I still stood by the railing holding on tight to the cold metal.

Hailey's screaming and crying and what the doctor was trying to do about it had faded away as if I heard it from a distance.

Slowly I reached out my hand. Carefully as if afraid I'd hurt her I laid each fingertip on her eyelids and for the very last time her beautiful, blue eyes closed.

And then, for the last time…

"I love you mum. And goodnight."

 **A baby Kirsten and Sandy lost- Amy is briefly mentioned. That is not from the series but from a oneshot I wrote. If you want to read it, it's called the always and always and always.**

 **While I was writing this my good friend x snow- pony x wrote a similar story in the "The story of Tracy Beaker" fandom. And it was really good.**

 **Random fact**

Well this must be the saddest fact I've ever left but I can't think of any other. The "I want to die but I don't want to leave you." That's what my grandma told my mum a couple of days before she passed away twelve years ago… then she slept for two days and then… well, you know. Well yeah. Told you so. Saddest fact!


End file.
